Sunday, November 23, 2008

Don't drink the water

A few months ago The Wife had a test done and found a long list of foods that she's sensitive/allergic to. Combine that with constant monitoring of what The Boy puts in his stomach and it's forced me to pay more attention to what affects me.

Self diagnosis doesn't come easy to anyone, but I suspect I'm more obtuse than others. It took me almost three decades to finally deal with my frequent stomach cramps (turns out I'm lactose intolerant) and it wasn't until recently that I admitted to having hay fever and am now enjoying clear sinuses via a daily Claritin. My latest revelation is the fact that not everyone's throat feels funny after eating a banana. It turns out that I have oral allergy syndrome, which is common in people with hay fever. It basically means that I need to give up some of my favorite fruits, which is God's way of foiling my half-hearted attempts at eating anything healthy.

What gets me, though, is how strong the symptoms are now that I'm aware of them. I've eaten bananas all my life and it never bothered me. Now I can't look at a fruit smoothie without feeling my throat constrict. At this rate I'll end up eating lentil soup and oatmeal every day, terrified of accidentally brushing up against an apple in case it causes instant organ failure.

Let's talk vomit!

The Bubonic Plague just swept through my household (or maybe it was just a stomach virus) and we're finally all over it.

The hardest hit was The Boy, who would empty his stomach once or twice a day for about a week. It got to the point where we almost brought him to the doctor for some of that voodoo stuff you Earth people call "medicine," but he finally turned around and is back to being his normal evil self. I think the main reason it took him so long was because he refused to convalesce, preferring to run around and eat hamburgers right up to the point where he'd vomit into his shoes.

Feeling crappy is nature's way of telling you to relax for a while and let your body worry about invaders. But how do you explain to a two year old that he should rest and starve for a day? Hell, I was well into my thirties before I actually took that advice to heart. Fortunately, humans are durable enough to survive most stupidity when they're young, and for the extreme cases there are the Darwin Awards.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A person, place, or thing

The Boy, in a burst of logic, has come to the conclusion that his name must be "You." He'll point to himself and say "You, You" when he wants something. (Actually, it sounds more like "noo," not to be confused with "foo" for food, "Moo" for his grandmother, and "poo" for... poo.

It's interesting because it makes me wonder when he'll grasp the concept of pronouns. He's seen people refer to others as "you" from time to time, so when does his brain click and he thinks, "oh, that word doesn't just refer to me. I shall wet my diaper in celebration!"

Currently he's more inclined to use what words he has for a spectrum of related subjects. All men seem to be "dada" and all women seem to be "mama," for example. Most treats seem to be "cookah" and, thanks to the neighborhood kids goofing off one day, all children are now monkeys.

Pirate vs. Ninja... postponed

Well, we never did go trick-or-treating this year. It was a combination of laziness and missing the allocated hours.

Back in my day we went out in the pitch blackness and ran around town, heedless of cars or crazy people. Out in the country we also ran the risk of hungry bears, but that didn't stop my parents from dressing me up as a beehive and soaking me in honey every year. Heck, sometimes they didn't even wait for October, that's how much they loved Halloween.

Anyway, we dodged a bullet with the whole candy issue this time around. My boss just grabs handfuls from his kids' bags when they're not looking, confident that they won't notice, but that wouldn't work with The Boy. He's got a photographic memory when it comes to treats, and at any time knows exactly where every snack is in the house. Hopefully this talent will eventually cross over to more useful knowledge, like names and dates and Weird Al song lyrics, but until then we just have to do a better job at hiding the Oreos.